Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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