my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
