My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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