fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
