Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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