I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
