I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
