So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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