I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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