Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize