Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
