i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
