i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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