dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
