im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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