Having a random hookup so left but love u
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
