I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We are two peas in an std pod
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You left your phone here
Wait...
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