If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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