i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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