I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
