I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
