nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
