What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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