Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
