I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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