I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
