I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
