My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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