yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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