haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
