this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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