everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
