I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
