Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
