Betty ford says i'm here all night
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
