I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
