If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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