i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
