You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
