I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
