i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
