she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
