Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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