I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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