there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
