How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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