Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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