Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize