You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
