she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
