Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
