Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Boobs speak an international language.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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