I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
