my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
