that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize