mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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