can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
