I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
