I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
