U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
